Christmas is stressing me out. At least once a day, a family member asks me what another family member might like for Christmas. 

Mom: "What about Alyson? Do you know what Alyson might like?"

 Me: "Mom... I don't have Alyson for Christmas this year. I didn't ask her."

Mom: "Yes, but she's your sister. You must know something!"

Me: "Yes, but you're her MOTHER. Figure it out."

Mom: "You're no help."

This will go on for the next week and a half. (Whoa... that's not much time...)

Then later:

Me: "Speaking of Aly, do you know what she's getting me for Christmas?"

Mom: "Yes."

Me: "Will I love it?"

Mom: "Yes."

Me: "Give me a hint?"

Mom: "No."

Alyson called me once Christmas 2009 was over.

Aly: "I have the best Christmas present for you!"

Me: "But it's JANUARY!"

I must confess. I am not a patient person. I am the girl who sneaks up on Christmas Eve to see the stash left by Santa. I am the girl who peaks in drawers and in the closet. I am the girl who carefully peels back the tape on a present to find out what it is three days early. So waiting an entire year to find out what I'm getting for Christmas has been torture. 

But I am determined to be a good girl this year. I will do my best (though I'll probably torment quite a few people about hints) and not ruin the surprise. 

It helps that I know what my parents have gotten me. My sister and I went shopping on Black Friday and I bought the present from my parents: Seasons 2 and 3 of Avatar: The Last Airbender and Season 2 of Chuck.

I was excited knowing that that was all I was getting.

Yesterday my parents kidnapped me. They made me get dressed, threw me (or had me peacefully get) in the car and started driving. They bought me a brand new phone. I've had the same ghetto phone since I was 18. I'm very used to it, but it's ugly and boring.

My new phone has a touch screen and I spent hours yesterday figuring out all of the features. It's so pretty. I'm gushing. *Sigh* 

There is a downside to this however. Yesterday I told myself that I would finish a LARGE part of my parent's and sister's present. But the phone distracted me and now I have to do it today. Not such a big deal. I'm just ready for it to be finished. I've been working on it since October. It's taking a while. 

In other news, the weekend was filled with too much good food and I now have 6 pounds to lose in 11 days. Do you think I can do it?

Yesterday was a day where I felt really bad about myself, stupid decisions I make, and life in general. I did my best to be upbeat about it all and I feel like for once, I actually did okay.

It helped that I had good people and projects to help me through. 

I walked four miles with my dad and we talked about everything to the Christmas present he was getting from me. (He figured out what it was. Bummer that it's not a surprise, but he's still thrilled.)

I had a two hour phone conversation with my sister. We talked about life and boys and laughed a lot. 

I finished (or did all I can do at this point) two of the three for all of the Christmas presents I'm giving this year. 

And I managed to mostly right my sleep schedule by sleeping nearly through the night.

I woke up this morning feeling refreshed. 

And for the first time in a very long time, I felt determined! 

Determined to have a good day today. I refuse to sulk even though it's so much easier to do so.

Determined to get a lot done. Clean my room spotless. Walk with my dad. Break out Jillian Michaels and exercise my over-sized booty off.

Determined to just feel good about myself. And to be honest, I think it will be easy. I'm looking and feeling great.  I gained about 8 pounds in November with all of my sadness and the holidays. On December 2nd, I decided that I would be 165 pounds by Christmas. I kind of laughed at myself and told myself how impossible it was to lose 13 pounds in less than a month. In the past eight days, I've lost six pounds. I'm feeling great, looking great, and feel determined to keep losing that weight. Only seven pounds to go, and fifteen days to do it in!

I feel happy and refuse to let anything get to me today. Today is going to be amazing. I'm determined to make it so!

The air for the past few days has been foggy and fabulous. I love the fog. I know most people find it creepy, but I find it cozy and comforting on a cold day. It leaves a lovely frost all over the branches, so I took the opportunity to take a few pictures yesterday morning. 

"Hey guys. We're not being used. Katie thinks that she can just put us in a box and we'll wait for her?" 

"NO!"

"Are we going to stand for this?!"

"NO!"

"Let's commit mass suicide! That'll show her!"

"YEAH!" 

It's really depressing seeing the fatalities piling up. It's a Christmas light grave yard; a nightmare before Christmas! (HA! So cheesy, but I couldn't help it!)

I always feel really bad for the poor strands that chicken out halfway through. You plug them in and only half of the lights still work. They wimped out and now they are paralyzed from the middle down. I just hope that all of the successful ones went first so that they didn't lose face. 

And hey thanks to the four who stood up to peer pressure and said no to suicide. You guys are my heroes. I am glad you decided to stick around to grace me with your beauty.

P.S. Don't worry. I'm not prejudiced. I still used the paralyzed strands on my tree. Mine is an equal opportunity Christmas tree. 

Sleep Schedule,

Why are you so whacky? I want to be a normal person. I want to wake up in the morning and go to bed at night. I don't want to wake up at 10pm and go to sleep three hours past noon. That's so silly. We should figure this out and fast.

Dear body,

I do not know if you are aware of this, but you are going to be ten pounds smaller by Christmas. I am beginning to wonder if you got the memo because you're not cooperating with this goal. I mean, I appreciate the small drops you've been giving me, but I need some drastic, lypo-esque results. Let's get on this. 

Presents:

I love how great you are and how much everyone who is lucky enough to get one of you will love you. It's almost guaranteed that people are going to pull the "this is the best present ever" face. So for that I thank you. However, you are taking an age and a half to complete. Christmas is only 17 days away and there is still so much left to do. If you could be just a teensy tiny bit cooperative for the next little while, I'd really appreciate it. Thanks a bunch.

Denise, Vic, AmberLashelle, DB and daniella,

Thank you so much for your kind thoughts on my last post. They all meant a lot to me. I'm so lucky to have such wonderful girls reading my blog. Thank you!

Much love!

I'll be honest with all of you. I'm a very insecure girl. And I have an obsessive need to be liked by everyone. I've convinced myself that no one cares about my bad days. Who wants to hear about how someone else is struggling?

This is something that I came to realize about myself today. I hide. I draw into myself when I'm having a hard time because I'm terrified of scaring someone away when I need them most. 

November was a really hard month for me. Really hard. 

When my novel decided it was crap; when I realized that my grandmother had been gone for one month and wouldn't be the center of Thanksgiving traditions; when my faith was shaking and not making any sense; I hid away. I've never felt more alone. The sadness was so intense that it was hurting me physically.

And I don't just hide away from the real world. I was so relieved that I had already written all of my blog posts for the month of November. That way I didn't need to worry about faking a few happy words while I was so lost inside.

I'm back to feeling happy. And yet I'm still hiding away. I think I might be scared that the happiness will vanish as quickly as it came; worried that my little flame of happiness will get snuffed out by life again.

But I've had enough of this. I'm tired of hiding. It's time that I start seeking and try to find myself again.

Happiest Moments: I'd have to say any during Thanksgiving weekend. There were so many amazing, happy moments.

Saddest Moment: When I was told we weren't going to make it out to see the Scarlet Pimpernel probably.

Overall Impression: This month was hard. I spent a lot of it feeling really depressed. It was a very welcome change to have Thanksgiving merriment thrown into the middle. I don't laugh enough. I really hope that Christmas feels the same way. I really don't want to have a Blue Christmas. Let's just hope I have a really good December all around. Wish me luck (and good cheer)!