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Thursday, March 11, 2010

How to dig a hole, and how to get out of it again.

I'm going to let you all in on a little secret. I've come to realize that when I'm the most unhappy, I'm not living my life the way I know I should be. Last week, like I mentioned a few posts ago, I bolted myself in my room and didn't leave it. I was miserable. I didn't even say much to my parents who live upstairs for nearly nine days. It had been a LONG time since I'd felt so low. 

I tried to justify my sadness, telling myself that I was simply alone. Not only is that ridiculous, it's completely false. I have an entire family who loves me. I have amazing friends who smile and hug me the moment I walk into a room. And locking myself away in my bedroom would not have helped the matter of loneliness in any case.

The point is, I let my problem get the best of me. It tore me down, so much that for an entire week, that's about all I focused on. For hours on end. 

I have a favorite scripture: Ether 12:27 "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." 

When I get feeling this way, after so long, this scripture will roll across my mind and I will get down on my knees. Heavenly Father gives us weakness so that we will turn to him when we've hit rock bottom. He wants to help us. And unless we humble ourselves and stop thinking that we can climb out of this hole we've dug around ourselves on our own and let him throw us a rope; we're just going to keep sinking deeper. I simply wish this would stay engraved on my thoughts every day instead of picking up a shovel and blindly digging hoping to end up somewhere. 

I felt the need to go to Institute tonight. I haven't been for weeks, but I felt strongly all day that I needed to go. Before the lesson starts, we are given a chance to stand in front of the class and share a scripture or a spiritual story. Instantly my head started working out what I would say, bringing up Ether 12:27 and a subtle explanation of my experience. I was hit with a strong impression that I should not get up. Never once have I felt such a strong impression that I should NOT get up and share my testimony. "You'll get another chance, just not right now." was the thought that kept rolling through my mind. So I stayed put.

The lesson started. "Please turn to Ether 12." Tears filled my eyes. It was an incredible lesson, and one that I needed to hear at this time in my life more than I think I've ever needed to hear anything. 

I feel so blessed right now. I am SO thankful that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and always will, no matter how prideful or pigheaded or just plain stupid I can be. I know that I can always turn to him and that he always wants what is best for me. He has his path for me, and even if it may lead into darkness and unknown for a moment, if I trust in him and put my faith in him, I'll find the light again. 

I am also thankful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I'm imperfect. I have chinks in my armor and the dangers of the world get in, threatening to kill me spiritually. But if I do my absolute best, believe in him and love him with all of my might, mind and strength, I will be made perfect in him. He'll fill in those holes I've dug inside, lifting me up and out of the darkness. (Moroni 10:32) I am so thankful for him. 

On a different note. My cousin passed away this evening. She had been battling cancer for years and it finally got to a point that she couldn't fight it off anymore. She was so strong, so faithful, and such an example. I love you, Annie. You will be missed. I'm so glad that I was able to have you in my life! I'm so thankful for the knowledge I have that I'll be able to see her again.

4 Thoughts:

Utah Mom said...

I'm sorry to hear about your cousin. Give my love to your family.

I hope you see better days soon.

Katie said...

I'm sorry to hear about your cousin :( At least you know she is no longer in pain.

And it's amazing how simple it is when you realize that, when you are doing the right things, you're happy, and the wrong things you aren't. I found that to be so true last year. For about 7 of the 12 months, I was living my life in a way that I knew I shouldn't be. I was just trying to make my then-boyfriend happy, and in the process, lowered my standards. After we broke up, I was devastated. But I soon found that I started doing things the right way again and I was SO much happier. I've been so blessed, and now I am dating a fantastic RM. And I just am truly happy. I'm glad you are happier now and starting to be more thankful. The Lord blesses those that serve :)

Chymere said...

wow. This was absolutely amazing. You don't realize how much I needed this today because I myself feel like I couldn't get out of a hole. Powerful words.

Reixe t'Vobi said...

Losing people is never easy.

And the feeling of not getting up to share your testimony... I like how it all worked out.