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- ► 2011 (174)
- ▼ December (10)
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
I'll be honest with all of you. I'm a very insecure girl. And I have an obsessive need to be liked by everyone. I've convinced myself that no one cares about my bad days. Who wants to hear about how someone else is struggling?
This is something that I came to realize about myself today. I hide. I draw into myself when I'm having a hard time because I'm terrified of scaring someone away when I need them most.
November was a really hard month for me. Really hard.
When my novel decided it was crap; when I realized that my grandmother had been gone for one month and wouldn't be the center of Thanksgiving traditions; when my faith was shaking and not making any sense; I hid away. I've never felt more alone. The sadness was so intense that it was hurting me physically.
And I don't just hide away from the real world. I was so relieved that I had already written all of my blog posts for the month of November. That way I didn't need to worry about faking a few happy words while I was so lost inside.
I'm back to feeling happy. And yet I'm still hiding away. I think I might be scared that the happiness will vanish as quickly as it came; worried that my little flame of happiness will get snuffed out by life again.
But I've had enough of this. I'm tired of hiding. It's time that I start seeking and try to find myself again.