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Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Hide and Seek

I'll be honest with all of you. I'm a very insecure girl. And I have an obsessive need to be liked by everyone. I've convinced myself that no one cares about my bad days. Who wants to hear about how someone else is struggling?

This is something that I came to realize about myself today. I hide. I draw into myself when I'm having a hard time because I'm terrified of scaring someone away when I need them most. 

November was a really hard month for me. Really hard. 

When my novel decided it was crap; when I realized that my grandmother had been gone for one month and wouldn't be the center of Thanksgiving traditions; when my faith was shaking and not making any sense; I hid away. I've never felt more alone. The sadness was so intense that it was hurting me physically.

And I don't just hide away from the real world. I was so relieved that I had already written all of my blog posts for the month of November. That way I didn't need to worry about faking a few happy words while I was so lost inside.

I'm back to feeling happy. And yet I'm still hiding away. I think I might be scared that the happiness will vanish as quickly as it came; worried that my little flame of happiness will get snuffed out by life again.

But I've had enough of this. I'm tired of hiding. It's time that I start seeking and try to find myself again.

6 Thoughts:

Denise said...

People do care about your sadness, no one is happy and successful all the time, and people like people who are real. Pain is real, life has pain. Your friends, the ones who really count and matter, don't expect you to not have down moments and hard parts. They are our friends for a reason, to be with you through it all.

Insecurities can destroy you if you let them. Don't you want people to like you for who you really are, not some fake sun shiny version of yourself all the time? Yes, being gleeful is great, we all enjoy happiness, obviously; but, at the same time, some of the deepest human relationships you can have are the ones where you can share the darkest parts of yourself without fear of judgment. And, you can't get there by hiding.

When you're really feeling blue let someone in, I bet you'll be surprised when you find that those are the moments in a relationship that matter, and knowing you on't have to go it alone makes everything a little more bearable.

Vic said...

your's okay to feel this and to come out and share it with friends is a wonderful thing...have a good day doll!~

AmberLaShell said...

When people truly like you, they love your good times and bad times.. No need to hide, your blog lovers will always be here for you!

DB said...

I know exactly what you mean. I feel and do the exact same thing. And when you decide to come out of it and talk to someone, they either shut you down and change the subject or make too big of a deal of it because they aren't used to you talking about it.

It sucks.

daniela said...

Aww Kate, we heart ya!!! Also - what Denise said.

I also love your Holiday layout! So so ridiculously talented :))

Anonymous said...

I think we all do this, in some way.