What are you looking forward to this month?

My head is a jumbled mess of thoughts. So many of them are unconnected, but like six degrees of Kevin Bacon, I'm sure I could figure out a way to connect them.

Thought #1: It's weird seeing people my age getting married. People YOUNGER than me getting married. I'm happy for them. Albeit a little jealous. But when it comes down to it, I'm not ready for that kind of a commitment. Maybe if I had that one amazing guy in my life, I'd be willing and capable of taking that step. But at the moment, I haven't found the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. So, it's not that I'm jealous that they are married and moving on with their lives, starting that new chapter in their lives. I'm jealous that they have someone to love for the rest of eternity and I don't.

Thought #2: Why am I having so much trouble keeping to my diet or to my exercise plan? I want to lose this weight. So badly. I've been stuck within 3 pounds on either side of 180 for the past 4 months. It's aggravating. After losing nearly 40 pounds so quickly, being stuck at this weight that doesn't satisfy me is really bothering me. I don't think that my clothes look nice on my body, though I try my best to hide how uncomfortable I feel. (Connection to #1: I've been feeling like my appearance isn't attractive to men.)

Thought #3: I'm still unemployed. In October, I'll have been unemployed for a year. It's not that I haven't been trying to find a job. I just under qualified. I know that I need to get over my stupid pride and start at the bottom. Work at McDonald's or something. But honestly... the thought repulses me. For a few reasons, but the biggest one is that I have little to no self control when it comes to food. I've been doing pretty well trying to avoid fast food, but if I work there, I might just gain those 40 pounds right back. I can't let that happen. But I hate that I don't have any money. To buy clothes, to buy a car, to get out of my parent's house. (Connection to #2: Maybe if I had money to buy clothes better suited for my body type right now, I wouldn't feel so awkward at my weight.)

Thought #4: I've been messing around with Photoshop again after a long time. It's taken a little bit of time to get back into the swing of things, but I think I picked it up alright. I worked on my blog and I love the way it turned out. I owe Photoshop for all of that. I feel like I should get back into making videos as well. I haven't made a video since I started losing weight. Mostly because I was losing weight so quickly, I thought it wouldn't be long before I looked all smashing. I could make a video in a few months and surprise all of my viewers with how good I looked. But I don't feel like I'm at that point yet, so I haven't made a video. I've been trying to write a lot more as well, but I don't feel like it's anything special. It doesn't ignite my interest. (Connection to #3: I feel mediocre in everything I do. Why would anyone want to hire someone mediocre when they can have someone amazing?)

Thought #5: I want to read. But every time I sit down with a book, I read half a chapter and lose interest. (Connection to #4: Maybe I'm jealous that the writing is better than mine?)

Thought #6: My grandma is really sick. She has cancer and has only been given a few months to live. I think I've taken for granted how wonderful she is. I love her so much. I've been learning so much about her just by listening to my family members talk about her life. Yesterday she told a simple story about how when my grandpa proposed, he had to leave soon after. He was in the military and was stationed somewhere else. He sent her the rings in the mail and she had to put it on her own hand. I wish I had taken more time to get to know about her life. She's an amazing woman, and I have only seen a small bit of her incredible life. (Connection to #5: My grandma's life is a story that I don't know, just like all those books that I can't find the gumption to read.)

This post was kind of depressing. Forgive me for my rants. I've just got so many negative thoughts in my head right now and needed to get them out somehow. I'll try and replace them with positive ideas and get back to happy posting soon.

Highlights: 

• 2nd ~ Drove a fancy black Jaguar. Thanks Devin!
• 3rd ~ Broke up with Tim.
• 11th ~ Dinner at Wingers with Natalie and bonfire at the sand dunes.
• 15th ~ Natalie took me to opening night of Damn Yankees. Great fun. 
• 16th ~ Singles BBQ and dance.
• 17th ~ Happy birthday Hannah! And my friend Toni came over and stayed the night.
• 18th ~ Happy birthday John!
• 19th ~ Father's day BBQ.
• 20th ~ Happy Father's day dad! I love you!
• 27th ~ Linger Longer. 

I might not need knee surgery before I'm 40 like I thought! This weight loss thing just keeps getting better and better.

By the way, jumping squats, my new favorite exercise. It hurts so good. Oh baby, makes me hurt so good.

P.S. Yes. I own each Nintendo console. I'm just that cool.

• Weighing in the 170's again. I'm so stinkin' close! I haven't been in the 170's since my sophomore year in high school. I look back at those pictures and wonder why I complained about being fat. I most certainly wasn't. And to be in the 170's means that I'll look like I did in those pictures; only more mature and with better hair and fashion sense.
• The Outlaw Trail Theater musical! It has finally been announced! (It's about time. 12 days to prepare an audition song?! Really Arts Council? You're lucky that I have the perfect one!) We'll be doing Damn Yankees and I'm pretty excited about it. 
• Vegas. In a week I'll be in Vegas to help my wonderful sister move into her house. I'll be there for five days, painting a few rooms in her house, moving all of her stuff, and just having some good ol' happy family fun. 

This month is starting off well, and has the potential to stay that way. I am determined to make it so!  

In other news, I'm home alone. I don't know why, but I decided that because I was, I would head to the kitchen to make myself some food in only a tanktop and panties. Nothing else. I mean, who is going to see me? I'm home alone. 

"Hey Kates." My nephew decided to come over for a sec and say hi. 
"Uh... close your eyes for a second bud, kay? I'm only in my swimming suit..." It seemed like a good excuse... *sigh* I hope I haven't scarred him for life.

1. Boys
2. Batman refuses to save my life
3. Scales
4. Anti-social week

P.S. It was also my best friend's birthday yesterday! She has forbidden me from mentioning names. Silly girl. Either way, happy 20th! Love you!

I hope that I'll find more interesting things to write about soon! Wish me luck!

Kate

Have you ever had one of those days where you are absolutely sure that nothing will make you feel good? You are so depressed, and despite how much it sucks, it seems life is determined to keep you that way.

I was feeling a little self conscious about my weight earlier today. So, because misery...likes me to stay miserable? I decided to get on a scale for the first time in quite a while.

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and stepped on the scale.

I was prepared for a five pound gain, thereby solidifying my depressed day.

..."Wait..." I did a double take.

"What?!" I leaned forward, making sure I was reading the scale correctly.

"Is that right?!" Tears start forming in my eyes.

"I've lost TEN POUNDS?!" I fold over on myself, joy overwhelming every inch in my body.

For the first time in over a year, I am under 200 pounds!