My head is a jumbled mess of thoughts. So many of them are unconnected, but like six degrees of Kevin Bacon, I'm sure I could figure out a way to connect them.

Thought #1: It's weird seeing people my age getting married. People YOUNGER than me getting married. I'm happy for them. Albeit a little jealous. But when it comes down to it, I'm not ready for that kind of a commitment. Maybe if I had that one amazing guy in my life, I'd be willing and capable of taking that step. But at the moment, I haven't found the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. So, it's not that I'm jealous that they are married and moving on with their lives, starting that new chapter in their lives. I'm jealous that they have someone to love for the rest of eternity and I don't.

Thought #2: Why am I having so much trouble keeping to my diet or to my exercise plan? I want to lose this weight. So badly. I've been stuck within 3 pounds on either side of 180 for the past 4 months. It's aggravating. After losing nearly 40 pounds so quickly, being stuck at this weight that doesn't satisfy me is really bothering me. I don't think that my clothes look nice on my body, though I try my best to hide how uncomfortable I feel. (Connection to #1: I've been feeling like my appearance isn't attractive to men.)

Thought #3: I'm still unemployed. In October, I'll have been unemployed for a year. It's not that I haven't been trying to find a job. I just under qualified. I know that I need to get over my stupid pride and start at the bottom. Work at McDonald's or something. But honestly... the thought repulses me. For a few reasons, but the biggest one is that I have little to no self control when it comes to food. I've been doing pretty well trying to avoid fast food, but if I work there, I might just gain those 40 pounds right back. I can't let that happen. But I hate that I don't have any money. To buy clothes, to buy a car, to get out of my parent's house. (Connection to #2: Maybe if I had money to buy clothes better suited for my body type right now, I wouldn't feel so awkward at my weight.)

Thought #4: I've been messing around with Photoshop again after a long time. It's taken a little bit of time to get back into the swing of things, but I think I picked it up alright. I worked on my blog and I love the way it turned out. I owe Photoshop for all of that. I feel like I should get back into making videos as well. I haven't made a video since I started losing weight. Mostly because I was losing weight so quickly, I thought it wouldn't be long before I looked all smashing. I could make a video in a few months and surprise all of my viewers with how good I looked. But I don't feel like I'm at that point yet, so I haven't made a video. I've been trying to write a lot more as well, but I don't feel like it's anything special. It doesn't ignite my interest. (Connection to #3: I feel mediocre in everything I do. Why would anyone want to hire someone mediocre when they can have someone amazing?)

Thought #5: I want to read. But every time I sit down with a book, I read half a chapter and lose interest. (Connection to #4: Maybe I'm jealous that the writing is better than mine?)

Thought #6: My grandma is really sick. She has cancer and has only been given a few months to live. I think I've taken for granted how wonderful she is. I love her so much. I've been learning so much about her just by listening to my family members talk about her life. Yesterday she told a simple story about how when my grandpa proposed, he had to leave soon after. He was in the military and was stationed somewhere else. He sent her the rings in the mail and she had to put it on her own hand. I wish I had taken more time to get to know about her life. She's an amazing woman, and I have only seen a small bit of her incredible life. (Connection to #5: My grandma's life is a story that I don't know, just like all those books that I can't find the gumption to read.)

This post was kind of depressing. Forgive me for my rants. I've just got so many negative thoughts in my head right now and needed to get them out somehow. I'll try and replace them with positive ideas and get back to happy posting soon.

Highlights:

• 6th ~ Alyson and I drove to Cedar City to spend the weekend with our aunt Susan and cousins Julie and Cassie.
• 7th-8th ~ The five of us girls went camping. Gorgeous mountains. We got rained out early on the 8th and came home. We were all hungry, so we went to IHOP. We looked like drowned rats and smelled like campfire. It was fabulous.

• 12th-15th ~ Kristi and Ronnie came to Vegas for an awesome weekend.
• 12th ~ We went and played Bingo and a few slots. It was my first time gambling (besides buying Lotto tickets when I was 19) and I wasn't too impressed with it. We also ate at an awesome buffet. So yummy!
• 13th ~ The three of us, plus Alyson's friends Akilah and Aaron, walked the strip. It was a lot more fun that I first thought it was going to be. The night was full of laughs. Hey. Can anyone teach me how to Dougie? 

• 14th ~ Alyson, Kristi and I went and saw KA! Cirque du Soleil! It was phenomenal. It blew my mind on so many levels. 

• 15th ~ We all said our goodbyes to Alyson and headed home. It was fun staying in Vegas, but I was so happy to be home again.
• 16th ~ I went to FHE where everyone seemed pretty excited to see me. We learned how to Country Swing Dance. Kill me now.
• 18th ~ Nashelle came over for a little while and we laughed about people getting married and other funny things. I miss her already.
• 19th-31st ~ I kind of disappeared into my room. I'm having trouble finding a job, and have been very depressed lately. I'm really trying to get over it. Hope I do soon.

Hey all! I just want to apologize for being so blog-missing lately. I've been having a really rough time and had nothing of interest to write about and I had a feeling everything that I COULD write would be sad and depressy. *Big breath!* That was a long sentence. 


But things are looking up again. This is a relatively short post, but I just wanted to link you to two of my posts that I just posted. (They are my monthly posts that I missed. I cheated and changed the date to look like I really did post them at the right time.)


Monthly Review

Goal Updates

They aren't anything to spectacular, but there they are if you want to read them. :) I have lots of exciting things going on in my life now and I'm much happier, so I plan on writing more now that I have my forgotten posts all done! See you all soon!

... but I'm sure going to miss him.

Quick run through: Trip. Depressive Episode. FHE. Girls Night. (Hey, I haven't blogged in two weeks! There's lots to cover!)
I apologize for the length of this post.  It's just been about two weeks since I posted last. I'm feeling much less depressing and missing now, and will try to post more often, therefore shortening the lengths of my posts. Much love!

P.S. My cats aren't allowed in my room. I live in the basement and mine is the only room with heating. That and it's creepy outside of my door and so I always leave it closed. I can't sleep with them in my room. They will inevitably wail at the door to get out, and if I let them in at all, they'd wail to get in. So they aren't allowed. However, they have learned that sometimes my door doesn't latch and will push it in, trying to be sneaky. They usually only pop it open enough to peek in. Not tonight. They pushed hard, opening a substantial gap. I yelled for them to "GET OUT!" and they took off pretty quickly, making it seem by the time I got over to close it that the door had opened itself. GAH! I swear, that demon in "Paranormal Activity" has moved on to get me!

This is not my first encounter. My mom asked me the morning after watching the movie if I had come into her room that night and said her name. To my recollection, I did not. My imagination ran away with me. I was possessed. I stood by her bed for hours. Apparently possessed people do that. Next, I'll be chewing my own arm off and dying of blood loss. *sigh* What a way to go.

• 1st ~ Happy New Year! I spent the day filming a music video with one of my best friends. I like to direct, she likes to act (she actually got the part of Maria in West Side Story at Snow College this month! Congrats Nashelle!) so it's the perfect duo! I always love our filming days. They don't happen nearly enough.
• 3rd ~ I gave the lesson in Relief Society. It went well, and it was something that I had needed to learn. Whether anyone else got anything from it...
• 6th & 8th ~ I finished the last two books in the Chanters of Tremaris Trilogy. (Love these books!)
• 9th ~ I had a movie night with my sister, Kristi. It had been a while since I'd seen her, and it was great to just sit down and watch a movie. Coraline is awesome! (I love Neil Gaiman! I've read the book about five times and I am currently reading The Graveyard Book written by him as well.)
• 10th ~ Chuck is back! So happy! Those of you who don't watch Chuck, you are missing out.
• 11th ~ Happy YouTube anniversary! It's been two whole years!
• 16th ~ The Relief Society sisters got together for a getting to know you activity. At one point, I laughed so hard that I cried and my face contorted. It was not attractive, but it felt so good.
• 17th ~ Linger Longer! Oh dear, such fun. 
• 18th ~ I went to lunch with my good friend Toni. Cafe Rio = Win! (Though Bajio is better.) Later that night, I went to my grandmother's house to eat soup and spend time with my extended family. Potato soup in bread bowl. So tasty, but was the death of my diet. Also, thank you so much for the quilt Grandma! I love it! I skipped out of dinner a little early and went to Family Home Evening for the ward. Good fun! Good fun was made great when I was asked on a date!
• 19th ~ I had a 'movie night' with one of the greatest girls I know, Brooke. Except we never got the movie and ended up chatting for five hours about boys.
• 21st ~ My date with Pete! We went to Avatar! Very much liked the movie, not so sure about the date.
• 22nd-29th ~ Life slowed down this week because I wasn't feeling great, physically or emotionally. (I was able to get in some awesome flirting time with the MBP boys, though.)
• 30th ~ My dad took me to Provo to spend time with my cousins! It was so much fun and though I was only able to see them for seven hours and I was sad to leave, it was a great day and I'm glad we did it.
• 31st ~ I slept. I slept a lot. I'm not quite sure how I did it. I went to bed around 1:30am and figured my body would wake itself up around 10; giving me plenty of time to get ready for church. I fell awake and checked the time. 2:30pm?! What?! Okay. No church today.

• Avatar - I'd been wanting to see it for a very long time. It didn't disappoint. It wasn't quite what I expected, but I really enjoyed it!
• Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging - Based on the book "Angus, Thongs and Full-frontal Snogging." I read this book when I was in Jr. High and loved it! I didn't even know they had made it into a movie, and it was hilarious!

• The Waterless Sea by Kate Constable - So awesome! She is such an amazing storyteller. 
• The Tenth Power by Kate Constable - Also awesome!

I just realized that February means Valentines Day. You (my readers) have two options. Shoot a good looking guy with Cupid's arrow and send him my way or shoot me with a cannon. Before doing either, make sure your aim is top notch!

PS This post took me a very long time to write. I was listening to "Bad Romance" by Lady GaGa on repeat, and every time the chorus came on, I felt the need to take my hands off the keyboard and do the dance that is done in the music video. Oh dear. Here it comes again....

It was my turn to give a lesson in church. Whatever topic I wanted (with some inspiration of course.) But I was having trouble picking a topic.

One of my goals for 2010 was to "Strive to maintain a positive and upbeat attitude."

By the 2nd, my eyes were flooded over with tears, and my heart weighed down with sorrow.

How could I have failed in my goal already? It hadn't even been a full two days in the new year!

The thought occurred to me that there might be many other people who were feeling discouraged and I based my lesson on a talk by President Dieter F. Uchtdorf called "Happiness, Your Heritage."*

I feel very blessed by the things that I learned from preparing this lesson.

President Uchtdorf mentions that two ways to help yourself become happy are "creativity and compassion."

Creativity:
"...take unorganized matter into our hands and mold it into something of beauty." He says. You don't need to be artistic to be creative. Creation doesn't have to be a work of art, it doesn't need to be perfect. Creation can span from a garden, a song, or even something as simple as making someone smile. If you put forth the effort to create something you are proud of, you will find joy.

Compassion:
“Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.” J.M. Barrie, author of Peter Pan. It is impossible to feel sorry for yourself when you are helping someone less fortunate than yourself. Immerse yourself in the service of your fellowmen, and I guarantee that "your gloom [will be] gone, you'll feel light, the Spirit of the Lord [will be] upon you, and everything [will] seem illuminated.” Again, just the simple act of making someone smile can make your own heart so much lighter.

This lesson was just such a wonderful example in my life, and I wanted to share it with you. I believe these principles will help me in my quest to "maintain a positive and upbeat attitude." Maybe they will even help you!

*I realize that some of the people who might read this blog are not LDS (Mormon), but I thought the principles I've listed here could benefit anyone, no matter their faith.

There is always something about this time of year that makes me feel sad. There are multiple reasons for this:

1. Snow. I really quite dislike snow. It's wet. Cold I don't mind. I can battle the cold. But as beautiful as newly fallen snow is, if I have to go out into it, I don't find it magical. I find it moist and annoying.
2. The shorter days. Not that I'm not a night owl by nature, but the lack of sunlight bothers me.
   
3. Christmas. I know that sounds terrible. I love the holiday. I love celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ. But I'll admit the hype of everything gets to me. It's fun, but it ends rather quickly leaving me disappointed when everything is over. This might be the first year that I am disappointed before Christmas has even started.
4. Mistletoe. This subtle holiday decoration reminds me of the fact that I am alone for the holidays once again with no one there to kiss me underneath the little bundle of red berries and green leaves. This also makes me realize that there is no one to kiss me as the ball drops on New Years Eve. Ugh, it's pathetic but I would go for an NCMO if it meant I got kissed during one of those moments.
   
5. Sleep. This has nothing to do with the season really. I'm just not getting enough of it. And I probably won't be for quite some time. (Except after I finish this post. I will be sleeping when it's published.)

So, while there are many reasons which I love the season (seeing family, singing Christmas songs, giving/receiving gifts, food and celebrating the birth of Christ to name a few) I find myself sad during this time of year.

A quote from 'Friends' comes to mind:

"Here's to a lousy Christmas, and a crappy New Year."