Happiest Moment: Watching Dirty Rotten Scoundrels. That show was hilarious. (Close second: Talking with CJ. If it wasn't so complicated, it would probably be number one.)

Saddest Moment: When they closed Annie's casket. That was heartbreaking.

Favorite Food: Salsa. 10 calorie goodness. Mmm. 

I posted my fiftieth post without realizing it. In celebration, I'm going to show you what I will look like when I'm old. 

I'm going to let you all in on a little secret. I've come to realize that when I'm the most unhappy, I'm not living my life the way I know I should be. Last week, like I mentioned a few posts ago, I bolted myself in my room and didn't leave it. I was miserable. I didn't even say much to my parents who live upstairs for nearly nine days. It had been a LONG time since I'd felt so low. 

I tried to justify my sadness, telling myself that I was simply alone. Not only is that ridiculous, it's completely false. I have an entire family who loves me. I have amazing friends who smile and hug me the moment I walk into a room. And locking myself away in my bedroom would not have helped the matter of loneliness in any case.

The point is, I let my problem get the best of me. It tore me down, so much that for an entire week, that's about all I focused on. For hours on end. 

I have a favorite scripture: Ether 12:27 "And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them." 

When I get feeling this way, after so long, this scripture will roll across my mind and I will get down on my knees. Heavenly Father gives us weakness so that we will turn to him when we've hit rock bottom. He wants to help us. And unless we humble ourselves and stop thinking that we can climb out of this hole we've dug around ourselves on our own and let him throw us a rope; we're just going to keep sinking deeper. I simply wish this would stay engraved on my thoughts every day instead of picking up a shovel and blindly digging hoping to end up somewhere. 

I felt the need to go to Institute tonight. I haven't been for weeks, but I felt strongly all day that I needed to go. Before the lesson starts, we are given a chance to stand in front of the class and share a scripture or a spiritual story. Instantly my head started working out what I would say, bringing up Ether 12:27 and a subtle explanation of my experience. I was hit with a strong impression that I should not get up. Never once have I felt such a strong impression that I should NOT get up and share my testimony. "You'll get another chance, just not right now." was the thought that kept rolling through my mind. So I stayed put.

The lesson started. "Please turn to Ether 12." Tears filled my eyes. It was an incredible lesson, and one that I needed to hear at this time in my life more than I think I've ever needed to hear anything. 

I feel so blessed right now. I am SO thankful that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and always will, no matter how prideful or pigheaded or just plain stupid I can be. I know that I can always turn to him and that he always wants what is best for me. He has his path for me, and even if it may lead into darkness and unknown for a moment, if I trust in him and put my faith in him, I'll find the light again. 

I am also thankful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I'm imperfect. I have chinks in my armor and the dangers of the world get in, threatening to kill me spiritually. But if I do my absolute best, believe in him and love him with all of my might, mind and strength, I will be made perfect in him. He'll fill in those holes I've dug inside, lifting me up and out of the darkness. (Moroni 10:32) I am so thankful for him. 

You know when you were little and you thought that when you grew up you would simply meet the perfect guy and live happily ever after? You'd have the perfect dream house, the perfect big backyard with a swing set (Because your parents never got you one), maybe even a perfect swimming pool. You'd have the kids that were perfect, just as you imagined yourself to be. (Looks, clothes and social hierarchy didn't matter when you were five.) You'd even have the little dog that was perfectly trained just as the dogs in the movies always were. Everything would be well... perfect.

I think I held on to this naive thought for most of my life. I definitely believe that love happens, and happiness, but it's not simply going to fall into your lap. Life isn't easy. It never will be. It took me a little bit too long to figure this out. 

I read my patriarchal blessing tonight. In simplified terms, it mentions that I will have a chance to attend the temple and marry a 'sweetheart of my own choosing.' I remember when I heard this for the first time at age 18; I felt elated, thrilled. Whomever I choose? Really? It's going to be that simple? 

But it isn't. At one point in my life, I thought I knew who I wanted. I wanted his love more than I'd ever wanted anything in my life. I didn't get it. It hurt. A lot. But now I realize that I hadn't chosen him. Not really. I remember in my prayers during that time in my life, I prayed to know whether he was the right choice. In my heart, I knew he wasn't. 

My blessing also cautioned me to 'choose carefully' for it would be the biggest, most important decision I would ever make. Dang it. It's become complicated again. I know this caution is one that I should pay attention to, and I will. I'm going to keep this thought in my prayers, and when the guy is right, I'm confident that I'll know. My heart will choose him completely. 

I just wish things were easier... but I suppose that will simply make it more amazing when I find it. And the vision of the perfect house, yard, dog is probably a long shot as well. (Not the kids. I don't care what anyone else will say, my kids will be my whole world. They will be perfect. I love them so much already.) The struggles I go through now will simply make me stronger once I've 'chosen my sweetheart' so that we can make it forever and eternity. I suppose waiting and strengthening myself until that moment will seem like so small an amount of time compared to forever.

I've been totally missing from my blog. For this I apologize. In fact... I've kind of been missing from life in general. Last week... Not a good week for me. I'll admit it.

But I'm back and I have LOTS of hilarious things to mention.

First things: West Side Story was AMAZING! My best friend Nashelle was Maria. The lead. Think 'Juliet' of the 'Romeo' persuasion. Yeah! Super big deal! I went down and spent a few days with her and saw the show twice. It was magical. Very well done! Nashelle was absolutely spectacular!

Unfortunately, somewhere during my stay I got really depressed. (This just happens. Chemical imbalance and all of that.) I drove home the following morning, and didn't emerge from my room for over a week. It was a little scary. 

BUT! I promised you funny! Here are a few of my favorite moments from the trip:

(While jamming out in Nashelle's car, I shook my head around like I was in a mosh pit, making my head hurt.)

Kate: Ow! I think I gave myself 'Shaken Katie Syndrome.'

(Nashelle jamming a straw in her lip and reacting to the 'SKS' comment with wide eyes.)

Kate: Oh! That's attractive!

Nashelle: *glares at me and looks in the mirror, her eyes going wider* 

(Lots of laughter ensued.)

(A friend of Nashelle's bit her arm, leaving teeth marks for hours afterward.)

Nashelle: It looks like a hickey!

Kate: That's NOT a hickey! You get a hickey when.... *pauses, feeling stupid*

Nashelle: *laughing* No, Katie, go on! How do you get a hickey?

Good times. 

I finally decided to get out of my room and go to FHE. It was a combined activity with both the wards in town. Which meant: lots of boys that I don't know and more importantly, THEY don't know what a spaz I can be. Unfortunately, this was ruined when my friend Natalie freaked out, pointing to my leg. "There's a SPIDER on you!" For some reason whenever this sentence is uttered, I always look down calmly, almost slow motion. Then my heart seizes and I flick it away, squealing a little bit. We both freak out, and run to the other side of the room. There went any semblance I had at being semi-cool around these new hotties. On the up side: they have all noticed me now. On the down side: Spring is approaching, and with it, The Spider Vendetta: Part Two 'Thissa time it'sa personal!'

The lesson was about dating. A lesson about dating at a Singles activity? No. Way. What kind of cliched madness is this? *said with mass amounts of sarcasm* This means an entire night filled with lectures and awkward silences from the attendants. Surprisingly though, it was a very fun night. They had the girls and the guys write questions about dating on color coordinated paper slips. Completely anonymous of course. The question was asked and the opposite sex answered. Hilariousness ensued. 

Of course, because I read Mormon Bachelor Pad, I felt the need to ask the question 'How do guys rate girls?" The answers were quite funny. 

Random-guy-I-never-caught-the-name-of: Well, there's two categories. "Eh." And "DAAANG!" 

The instructor: The way I see it, dating a girl is like looking to buy a car. Sure, you might want the really pretty looking one over there; but what you need to do is make sure the engine is working properly. 

(My attention faded out after that.)

My thoughts: He totally just said "Make sure she's not crazy!" That's kind of offensive! Haha!

The lesson ended, and they broke out the refreshments. Natalie jumps up and literally GROWLS in a deep voice: OH MY HECK CREAMIES! It was hilarious. 

After FHE I went to my friend, Brooke's house. Some great laughs there as well. Most of which included Brooke teasing me because I had watched 'Paranormal Activity' the other night. I started it with my sister and after we decided that we should turn it off because it was too scary, I went home and searched the synopsis; curious about how it ended. Well, the synopsis was intriguing and I ended up watching the rest alone. SCARY movie. Terrifying really. And I really hate that the girl's name is "Katie." 

Brooke took it upon herself to torment me by whispering "Kaaatieeeeee" over and over and over again throughout the night. I'm glad that Mecailla was there because she was there to help me gang up on Brooke.

Funny quote from the night:

(While Brooke talked about what she would do if she had a gun to her head.)

Brooke: I would say "Go ahead, shoot me." My confidence would shake them. "Yeah, that's right. I have the power of God on my side." *holds up her hand, pretending to hold something* "Don't make me pull out my quad!"

Happiest Moment: Hugging Nashelle after seeing her show for the first time. 

Saddest Moment: Was also actually during the trip. I had a meltdown that Friday night. I'm not exactly sure why, but I was very upset.