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Sunday, September 12, 2010

Six Degrees of Katie's Brain

My head is a jumbled mess of thoughts. So many of them are unconnected, but like six degrees of Kevin Bacon, I'm sure I could figure out a way to connect them.

Thought #1: It's weird seeing people my age getting married. People YOUNGER than me getting married. I'm happy for them. Albeit a little jealous. But when it comes down to it, I'm not ready for that kind of a commitment. Maybe if I had that one amazing guy in my life, I'd be willing and capable of taking that step. But at the moment, I haven't found the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. So, it's not that I'm jealous that they are married and moving on with their lives, starting that new chapter in their lives. I'm jealous that they have someone to love for the rest of eternity and I don't.

Thought #2: Why am I having so much trouble keeping to my diet or to my exercise plan? I want to lose this weight. So badly. I've been stuck within 3 pounds on either side of 180 for the past 4 months. It's aggravating. After losing nearly 40 pounds so quickly, being stuck at this weight that doesn't satisfy me is really bothering me. I don't think that my clothes look nice on my body, though I try my best to hide how uncomfortable I feel. (Connection to #1: I've been feeling like my appearance isn't attractive to men.)

Thought #3: I'm still unemployed. In October, I'll have been unemployed for a year. It's not that I haven't been trying to find a job. I just under qualified. I know that I need to get over my stupid pride and start at the bottom. Work at McDonald's or something. But honestly... the thought repulses me. For a few reasons, but the biggest one is that I have little to no self control when it comes to food. I've been doing pretty well trying to avoid fast food, but if I work there, I might just gain those 40 pounds right back. I can't let that happen. But I hate that I don't have any money. To buy clothes, to buy a car, to get out of my parent's house. (Connection to #2: Maybe if I had money to buy clothes better suited for my body type right now, I wouldn't feel so awkward at my weight.)

Thought #4: I've been messing around with Photoshop again after a long time. It's taken a little bit of time to get back into the swing of things, but I think I picked it up alright. I worked on my blog and I love the way it turned out. I owe Photoshop for all of that. I feel like I should get back into making videos as well. I haven't made a video since I started losing weight. Mostly because I was losing weight so quickly, I thought it wouldn't be long before I looked all smashing. I could make a video in a few months and surprise all of my viewers with how good I looked. But I don't feel like I'm at that point yet, so I haven't made a video. I've been trying to write a lot more as well, but I don't feel like it's anything special. It doesn't ignite my interest. (Connection to #3: I feel mediocre in everything I do. Why would anyone want to hire someone mediocre when they can have someone amazing?)

Thought #5: I want to read. But every time I sit down with a book, I read half a chapter and lose interest. (Connection to #4: Maybe I'm jealous that the writing is better than mine?)

Thought #6: My grandma is really sick. She has cancer and has only been given a few months to live. I think I've taken for granted how wonderful she is. I love her so much. I've been learning so much about her just by listening to my family members talk about her life. Yesterday she told a simple story about how when my grandpa proposed, he had to leave soon after. He was in the military and was stationed somewhere else. He sent her the rings in the mail and she had to put it on her own hand. I wish I had taken more time to get to know about her life. She's an amazing woman, and I have only seen a small bit of her incredible life. (Connection to #5: My grandma's life is a story that I don't know, just like all those books that I can't find the gumption to read.)

This post was kind of depressing. Forgive me for my rants. I've just got so many negative thoughts in my head right now and needed to get them out somehow. I'll try and replace them with positive ideas and get back to happy posting soon.

5 Thoughts:

Katie said...

It's hard once you meet a plateau in weight loss, i've been at one for awhile now. But to jump start it, just mix up your workout routine, and be sure to add strength exercises. I recommend the site, myfitnesspal.com. It's like weight watchers, but free. Let me know if you need any support or tips; feel free to email me at kbarker2@gmail.com. You're beautiful!
I'm sorry to hear about your grandma though :(

Framed said...

I had never heard that story about Mom and her rings. Thanks for sharing. There must be other entry level jobs besides McDonalds. What does Job Service tell you? Granted things are slow right now. Good luck with everything.

Candleman said...

You'll do fine. You are gorgeous. Just wish you weren't hiding behind your gorgeous hair.

Billy Apathy said...

This is seriously me in a nutshell. I have like five thoughts and they all go through a bizarre non-linear fashion. I'm glad I'm not the only one out there that does that! Love the blog. I think I might follow you now. But in the uncreepy way....

Reixe t'Vobi said...

...yeah, been there. My brain goes all over the place.