Pandora -

Today has been a whirlwind crazy day. And I've only been awake for 5 hours. Let's recap.

11:30 AM: I'm half asleep in bed, my mind on the verge of waking up and my body trying to force it to roll over and go back to sleep. I hear footsteps coming down the stairs and I groan to myself. Being one of the only three things in the basement worth anyone coming down for, someone was probably going to knock on my door in a moment. I prayed that it was someone to do some laundry, but the sound of knuckles rapping on my door met me. I ignored them. Sometimes they'll just go away. This wasn't one of those time. The door opened.

It was my sister. She handed me a piece of paper with my aunt's name and phone number on it. She explained that my aunt had been offered a child care job (I love working with kids) but had turned it down and thought I might be interested. I was up in an instant and called her back and got the information.

1:00 PM: By this time, I had called my aunt, gotten the information, called the office and had set up an interview for 3:30. Yes. Two and a half hours. I fixed up my resume, organized my small portfolio, and tried on multiple outfits. As time went on, I got more and more nervous. I hurt because I was so nervous. I shaved my legs, fixed my makeup and hair.

3:00 PM: I ran out of things to do. I was freaking out. I haven't had an interview in months and really wanted this job. It sounded perfect for me.

3:30 PM: I'm sitting down from a very friendly woman. She was so easy to talk to, and the interview went well. She showed me around the building. I was very prepared to act like this guy until they gave me the job!

3:55 PM: Just enough time to stop at Sonic which is down the street to get a Happy Hour (half off) Raspberry Limeade. Mmm.

4:00 PM: Hugged my dad in the street as I said these words: "I start tomorrow at 8:30!"

That's right folks! I'm no longer unemployed! I woke up this morning with no leads, no prospects, no job. And within 5 hours, I am a working gal! (But I have plenty of time to blog. It's only 9 hours a week.)

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Dear Cold,

I haven't made a video in so long. It feels so good to get back into it! Woo!

We went down to my grandmother's house to take family pictures. It's always a big hassle. We take the photos ourself with the help of our camera's remote, and we always have to color coordinate which causes a lot of stress. But I think that they turned out well. Here are a few of my favorites.

My head is a jumbled mess of thoughts. So many of them are unconnected, but like six degrees of Kevin Bacon, I'm sure I could figure out a way to connect them.

Thought #1: It's weird seeing people my age getting married. People YOUNGER than me getting married. I'm happy for them. Albeit a little jealous. But when it comes down to it, I'm not ready for that kind of a commitment. Maybe if I had that one amazing guy in my life, I'd be willing and capable of taking that step. But at the moment, I haven't found the one that I want to spend the rest of my life with. So, it's not that I'm jealous that they are married and moving on with their lives, starting that new chapter in their lives. I'm jealous that they have someone to love for the rest of eternity and I don't.

Thought #2: Why am I having so much trouble keeping to my diet or to my exercise plan? I want to lose this weight. So badly. I've been stuck within 3 pounds on either side of 180 for the past 4 months. It's aggravating. After losing nearly 40 pounds so quickly, being stuck at this weight that doesn't satisfy me is really bothering me. I don't think that my clothes look nice on my body, though I try my best to hide how uncomfortable I feel. (Connection to #1: I've been feeling like my appearance isn't attractive to men.)

Thought #3: I'm still unemployed. In October, I'll have been unemployed for a year. It's not that I haven't been trying to find a job. I just under qualified. I know that I need to get over my stupid pride and start at the bottom. Work at McDonald's or something. But honestly... the thought repulses me. For a few reasons, but the biggest one is that I have little to no self control when it comes to food. I've been doing pretty well trying to avoid fast food, but if I work there, I might just gain those 40 pounds right back. I can't let that happen. But I hate that I don't have any money. To buy clothes, to buy a car, to get out of my parent's house. (Connection to #2: Maybe if I had money to buy clothes better suited for my body type right now, I wouldn't feel so awkward at my weight.)

Thought #4: I've been messing around with Photoshop again after a long time. It's taken a little bit of time to get back into the swing of things, but I think I picked it up alright. I worked on my blog and I love the way it turned out. I owe Photoshop for all of that. I feel like I should get back into making videos as well. I haven't made a video since I started losing weight. Mostly because I was losing weight so quickly, I thought it wouldn't be long before I looked all smashing. I could make a video in a few months and surprise all of my viewers with how good I looked. But I don't feel like I'm at that point yet, so I haven't made a video. I've been trying to write a lot more as well, but I don't feel like it's anything special. It doesn't ignite my interest. (Connection to #3: I feel mediocre in everything I do. Why would anyone want to hire someone mediocre when they can have someone amazing?)

Thought #5: I want to read. But every time I sit down with a book, I read half a chapter and lose interest. (Connection to #4: Maybe I'm jealous that the writing is better than mine?)

Thought #6: My grandma is really sick. She has cancer and has only been given a few months to live. I think I've taken for granted how wonderful she is. I love her so much. I've been learning so much about her just by listening to my family members talk about her life. Yesterday she told a simple story about how when my grandpa proposed, he had to leave soon after. He was in the military and was stationed somewhere else. He sent her the rings in the mail and she had to put it on her own hand. I wish I had taken more time to get to know about her life. She's an amazing woman, and I have only seen a small bit of her incredible life. (Connection to #5: My grandma's life is a story that I don't know, just like all those books that I can't find the gumption to read.)

This post was kind of depressing. Forgive me for my rants. I've just got so many negative thoughts in my head right now and needed to get them out somehow. I'll try and replace them with positive ideas and get back to happy posting soon.

Uintah Utes Football,