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Tuesday, February 15, 2011

It's a new day

I have a lot of things to be happy about in my life. Let's list a few.

- Wonderful parents who are so supportive and encouraging! -

- Beautiful sisters who are so sweet, loving, and so ready to help me! -

- An amazing boyfriend who treats me so well and makes me smile more than I ever thought I could! -

There are so many other examples of the places happiness can be found in my life.

However, I haven't been feeling very happy lately. And I couldn't figure it out. There are so many great things in my life to be happy about. 

But tonight it hit me. 

I'm not happy with ME.

How did I not figure this out sooner? It was so obvious. Everything that has been bothering me lately is because I'm afraid I'm not good enough. That I'm too heavy. That I don't have the qualifications or skills to succeed in life. That I'm going to fail.

Yeah, I moved to Las Vegas. And that was a HUGE step! And I'm so proud of myself now that I've realized just how big a step that was. The rest of this isn't going to be easy, but I took the first step.

However, even though I've been filling out applications like a mad woman, I am terrified of actually finding a job. Why? Because I know that's just one more step. A big scary step. 

I've also been gaining some of the weight that I worked so hard to lose in 2010. The other day, my sister and I went shopping in this store with some awesome clothes. But the instant I walked in, it was obvious that the clothes wouldn't fit me unless I was a size 4. I couldn't help but feel like a big balloon walking around the clothing racks with all of these tiny girls. 

I'm so scared that I'm going to fail or lose these things that make me happy that I'm almost pushing them away with my insecurities. 

And so today, I will start the road to being a new me.

A new me doesn't mean that I will become a size 4. 

A new me doesn't mean that I will land the perfect job on the first try.

A new me means that I am going to work so hard to love me for the beautiful, amazing woman that I am. 

I want to be happy with myself. And I'm going to do all that I can to get there. One step at a time. 

7 Thoughts:

Myke Weber said...

You, young lady, are a most amazing person! And, if you ask me, remarkably wise for your age. Isn't it cool when we make breakthroughs like you just did?

Believe me, you are most certainly worth loving! You are so very great, just the way you are!

Kari said...

I am so with you on this. I've learned to start being a bit selfish. Not the kind that hurts others, but just learning to care more about what I want than what others want. I look at my nieces in their frilly dresses without a care in the world, and it makes me realize that I need to do little things like that that just make me smile.
Once I did that, other things started to fall into place. Good luck, and just know that I think you are super fun and amazing. The next time I'm in Vegas I'll come stalk you! ;)

Amy said...

Struggling with similar issues over here. Figuring out the problem is the first step, and positive goals are the second. Good job! I know you will get there, and so will I. I just found your link in the 20sb 1000 followers for all group, I hope you come follow me too :)

Kate Weber said...

Thanks guys. It's good to know that there are some other people going through the same things. We should start a support group or something. :P

Kari: You should stalk me! Because you are adorable and not a creepy old man that I would run from! We could get ice cream! :D

C said...

I know I always bring Vegas into the equation, but that's only because it's had such a huge impact on me.

It will put you through the meat grinder. Things here can be really hard (like finding work). HOWEVER... when you get through them (which you will, I mean come on- you were ballsy enough to move here! BRAVE GIRL!) You're not just going to have found happiness in yourself, you're going to be completely rocking life...

...I think. I'm still in progress. XD

You'll be great. Good luck on the job hunt, I'm in the same boat.

Anonymous said...

I totally know how you feel. It sucks not feeling good about yourself even when you have the BEST support system around it's just not enough when you don't have the inner love going on. Have fun and enjoy sin city! And start believing you ARE amazing no matter what you look like or how successful you are. Everyone is different and that's what makes them amazing.

julie said...

I read a quote a couple weeks ago that really hit me and seems applicable right now. It said that fear is what lurks behind perfectionism and that if we just allow ourselves to be human (and thus imperfect) we'll actually enjoy life more than if we were perfect. It's something I'm definitely working on.

Don't be afraid to fail, be afraid of not having the courage to try. Don't be surprised if it takes a lot of trying before you get what you want - sometimes I think we're tested to see if we really want what we're going for. Getting something too easy never feels as good. I listened to Lauren Bacall's autobiography and she spent years trying to become an actress. It made me realize that I can't give up just because it didn't pan out immediately.

Good luck with everything, Katie! You are a remarkable woman and you deserve the best.